I can't believe I am missing my best friend's wedding.
This is exactly what makes me sad about not being back in Malaysia. Being away from home really is not easy at all. Especially these days. I look at pictures of friends back home on Facebook and wish that I was there with them. Is it normal as you grow older to feel lonely at times? Even when there's people around you? I can't tell if my life now is a happy one, or one that is meeh okay... Would I be happier back at home? With the people I love always surrounding me, just a short drive away?
I'm comfortable in the US.. more comfortable than other people may be but it's still not home to me. I feel like I'm not really myself here or around people here. There are plenty of great opportunities here for me though to help me grow career-wise and life-wise. In a few years, people say I'm not going to feel like I belong back in Malaysia anymore. What if it stops being the place I call 'home'? And what if when that happens, I still feel like I don't belong in the US. Where will I belong then? When I say "I'm going home".. where will that mean? After missing so many special occasions of friends and family, will friends and family stop asking me to attend their weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.? Will we just stop being apart of each others' lives? Will I just be the friend, or the relative that people will refer to as "Oh, her! Well, she's overseas. We don't talk as much. We used to be close, but not anymore."
It's all just so depressing to think about.. feeling like you don't belong anywhere, missing out on so much at home, not being able to spend enough time with my family (I really miss my dad's cooking, and my mum's leong cha), not being able to have good ol' Malaysian food.. or speak Malaysian English, and just not having people around me that I can really be myself with.
Fasyah & Riza, I'm sorry I'm missing out on your special day. But still, I am so happy for the both of you, and only wish I were a billionaire and could fly home for the weekend just for the both of you! Congratulations! All my love to the both of you!
I couldn't take her out to celebrate her engagement. Now I may possibly be missing her wedding too! :(
I really really really miss my family. Sigh. And the Lim clan I miss like crazy. All my cousins are growing up, and I'm not there to see it.
And I miss this family! So much! The kids won't even know me anymore when I go back!
I miss gatherings like these... with people that I can be stupid with, be drunk with, talk and laugh about the old times with, and dance the night away with!
And her..! I haven't seen this face in the longest time. Or slept over at her house, in 5 years maybe? She has a new boyfriend that I'm not even introduced to!
I miss crazy, hilarious, side-stitching occasions like these. Occasions that cause your whole day to be happy because you laughed like crazy until you all cry together.
It's been awhile since I've dressed up to the nines, with make up.. blown dry hair.. sweet smelling perfume.. and high heels, and pretty girls by my side.
On top of everything, I really miss this as well. I miss the easiness of how things used to be. But life interfered, and things are complicated. But I know I should be thankful that it's still good.
Now that's everything and all the people that I miss.
Seems like I'm just being sad about all that I miss, and all that I don't have now. But honestly, I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. And trust me, I am. I've been really really blessed. So really, I shouldn't complain. When I was younger, my dream was to help people. How?, I didn't really think that through. But now, I'm doing what I dream in one of the best institutions in the US, and I love it! Who would have known! I am independent, self-sufficient (for the most part), I have a functioning car... and I have family in the US to run to.
So really, I shouldn't dwell on things that I miss so much. I should be focusing on the here and the now. I tell myself that missing some things/people so much, it means that at one time in my life (and still now), those things/people meant and still mean a lot to me. They left an important enough mark in my life that made me miss them. Not many people get the luxury of "missing" so many things! :)
And that cheers me up!
2 comments:
miss u dear
Suuu, I'm a month late responding to this post but I know how you feel, especially the last bit. Ever since I got to China I feel like this a lot. This is so different from my undergraduate study abroad experience in BJ. I realize I have to be independent in another country with no friends around, it's hard! It must have been hard for you too when you first moved to the U.S... I wish I had that dorm atmosphere, where I could find friends to eat with right next door or a floor up. I miss our good times too, I keep imagining us getting together and reliving them after we have jobs and stuff, one day...
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