I feel a teensy bit Social again!

Went for a movie on Friday with some girls in my program (note to self, stop saying "girls from my program"... 'Friends' would be a better term isn't it)... friends from my program. Three friends to be exact. We watched The Switch, which by the way, is a great movie!

It was original, and just funny in a very natural, crazy, obsessive neurotic sorta way. If you appreciate humor like that, then this is a definite laugh. What more, with the kid in the movie to add cute elements in it..! Made me smile the entire time. Me, I love romantic comedies.. period. Can't get enough of them. When I'm feeling down, romantic movies always always cheer me up. :) Now, to think about it, I haven't been to the movies to watch a Good romantic comedy with him, I don't think. Would 'The Last Song' count? It's not entirely just a romantic comedy though. Hmm...

Spent Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market. I had so much fun shopping for fresh produce and taking in all the different colors of everything and everyone. It was a good start to the day. They had Amish bread, which may probably be the main reason why I'll go to the Farmer's Market every weekend. Amish sourdough bread is the yummiest! Got hooked on it when I decided to try a loaf of Amish bread from Jungle Jim's.

Just one of the many historic buildings of Lafayette. One day soon, I'll walk around the town with my camera. For some reason, people were staring as I was taking pictures that day. I was a little self-conscious. haha. 

The Lafayette Farmer's Market

A construction of a family made out of farming vehicle parts. 

It was packed with locals. Even managed to catch a glimpse of some of my professors! 

Vegetables, plants, homemade soaps, fruits, tie-dye tshirts... :)

Then later in the evening, my new friends and I decided to check out the Lafayette Downtown Jazz Festival. It was pretty cool except, I'm not into Jazz music to be able sit in front of a stage and just listen to it. But still, it was a good experience. For some reason, while standing and listening to one of the bands play, we kept smelling pot the entire time! It was gross and made me feel slightly sick. 

After having enough of Jazz music, we very bravely decide to follow Laura (one of my new friends) to the NightTrain swing dancing. Yeah. We went swing dancing. I forgot how much I loved it when I learned it in Social Dance class last semester. Haven't danced in awhile, but I remembered the basics. Stumbled with my feet when I first danced with some guy but I still had a lot of fun. The people there were really good at swing dancing, it was rather intimidating as a newbie. They added their own moves and style to the dancing and the girls just seem to flow along with the guys initiation of moves so smoothly, like they've been dancing with each other for such a long time. 

For one of the songs, every one went to dance floor and one person shouted out names of dance moves and people would do it all together with their own added style of course. But it reminded me of musical movies or something. It was awesome to watch! 

There's just something about being twirled around, getting dipped like in the movies and having a hand on your waist to guide you. It's even nicer when that someone who does it is someone special. :)

The weekend is here!

I survived my first week of classes. Capped off the week with my Brain class and my professor telling us today that we have to know all the Brodmann area numbers of the brain for the exam. And also all the names of the sulci and gyri (those major creases and folds) of the brain for our exam. Yeah. O_O

But hey, it's Friday, so I am pretty excited. I have this weekend to finish all my tutoring evaluations and start tutoring next week. Gosh, I'm nervous for that. And then maybe spend sometime reviewing what we learned this week.

Oh and of course, make an attempt to actually do some fun things. Like a few girls in my major and I are going to watch Jen Aniston's movie "The Switch" tonight! I'm so excited, to have people to hang out with. I sound crazy. haha. But really.. I am. And there's the Lafayette Uptown Jazz and Blues festival tomorrow.. maybe I'll find someone to check it out with. And there's the Farmer's Market tomorrow morning that I'll be going to with my roommate.

I think it's going to be a good weekend. Hopefully. :) I need a social life. I miss having a social life.

There are good days, then the cloudy days...

Some days, things have really been looking up for me. I meet new people. I walk around and I admire the view. I see a pretty flower. I think about how lucky and grateful I am to be in Purdue... and how great an opportunity I am offered to be able to learn and work with brilliant people, and be a part of the 2nd best Speech Pathology masters program in the whole of the United States.

Then some days, everything just seems so down and dreary. And a horrible feeling of loneliness set in. Ever had those days? Where you just feel so out of control and you have no idea what the hell you're doing? Yeah, I probably have one of those days every week. Kinda sucks. A day when you think "What the hell is wrong with me?? What triggered this craziness?" Then you just feel like you need to cry on someone. But then, it's really depressing to cry just on that one person every single time. You just want someone to make you feel better, to pat your head, give you a hug and say "It'll be okay!". But then, you don't really have any one physically around to do that either. So you do it by phone. To hear someone's, anyone's voice telling you to "Be Strong" and to give you courage. That's what I always do... but then now I think.. me!... I should try to make my own self feel better. That's what I should do. I shouldn't always rely on others to cheer me up. I really should try to cheer my own self up! Wishing that someone was around, won't make anything change. I am on my own now. This is going to be my life. And only me can make me happy! *I can hear Elizabeth Gilbert's journey in "Eat, Pray, Love" talking*

So from today onwards, whenever I feel like crying... I am first going to attempt to cheer my own self up. Watch a stupid video on youtube.. maybe one of those crazy japanese game shows. Or munch on a chocolate bar while listening to happy clappy music. Or take a shower, cry it out and then wipe myself and all the sadness off. Do whatever it takes, and then only call someone if nothing at all works.

One thing I learned about me throughout these few weeks, is that I cannot stand feeling helpless and insecure. I cannot stand waiting around for the buses, never knowing what time they're going to come. I feel helpless and out of control and anxious just waiting and waiting. Helplessness... leads to me feeling totally insecure... leads to me getting really anxious... causing frustration... hence the breakdown.

Aih, Suling.. Suling! Get a grip will you?

Ah, I'm not completely Alone anymore!

Just a few minutes ago, my housemate moved in. Here I am sitting in my room with my music blasting, and suddenly the door opened. I was shocked. Didn't expect it at all! Her name is Kathy. She seems sweet. But she lives 2 hours away and the first thing she kinda said was that she won't be around very much. She's taking classes and also teaching with the English department. Like now, she just left for class and then she's driving the 2 hours back home so I'll only see her on Wednesday. She's really sweet though. I was probably rattling off too much about how lonely I was this past week living by myself and scared her away or something. Damn. Hopefully I didn't.

Did I ever mention that the living room of my apartment is so damn empty? It has a tv that I don't use because it doesn't hook up to my dvd player. And then there's just my numerous dvds lying on the floor of the living room. That's it. So sad looking. So when I come back to the apartment, the first place I go to is my bedroom. Coz it's the most comforting place. My bedroom has all my photos of the people who mean the world to me all around. And the bedsheets and bedsheet-curtain in my room are those that I used in my freshman year. So it kinda reminds me of the beginning that I started 4 years ago, and the beginning that I'm starting now. And Scrooge and Bundle is with me too to give me hugs at night. And the Shanghai blanket from my parents that always remind me of home. :)

The study table area that's right next to the bed. 

And that's the bed. With the Shanghai blanket, my Minipopo pillow, Scrooge and Bundle. See that two rows of pictures on the wall, it goes all around the room. :)

My drawers. With a photo of me and my ex-roomies, the tinikling box photo, and my family photo. 

Having a shelf in my room would take up too much space and make the room look tinier, hence, my books are on the floor. And since my window is kinda right by the entrance of the apartment (I live on the first floor), people walk by all the time, so it's kinda creepy to not have curtains. That's my bedsheet that I am now using as a curtain. haha.

And here's my closet! :) I had so much fun unpacking my clothes after not seeing them for the summer. It was exciting. Haha. While Dong was trying to construct my study table and chair, I was fondling my clothes and hugging them to myself. Yeah fondling and hugging.

I've done it before, I can do it again!

Unbeknownst to me, I actually lost A LOT OF WEIGHT.. I don't know where it all when to. But I have a suspicion that it was due to my stomach acting all weird and funky the few weeks before I left Malaysia for the US... oh and also intermittent acting ups the whole of last week. Also occasional anxiety thoughts tended to keep my appetite away. I swear I'm eating better now. I put on a pair of shorts that I haven't worn all summer and I didn't even have to unbutton it to put it on! Bad Bad Bad!!!

It'll get better though. Things are starting to look up. Meeting the faculty last Friday really made me excited to grateful to be given the opportunity to learn from such talented and accomplished people that truly have a passion for their job and the change that they can make. Things are so different in Purdue. Diversity is the main thing I noticed since I've been here. The girls don't all have the same brand of bags, or the same kind of clothes, or the same annoying way of talking. Everyone is their own person, and there's no need to follow any kind of stereotype. I really like that. Gives a more relax, dynamic feel to the campus. I walked around campus on Friday and it suddenly hit me that I Am going to Enjoy my time and learn the most that I can from Purdue. I know I am.

Someone reminded me the other day, "LingLing, you did everything on your own before, 4 years ago... what makes you think you can't do it again?" -technically, she didn't say it all that nice, she was more like yelling and lecturing me (haha) but the gist of what she said is this.
And when I told Dong about this, he said, "Yeah, I mean... I've always known you would be fine. It's just you who didn't know it."

Love and hugs to the girlfriends, that like me... have decided to start a new chapter somewhere far from the bubble of Oxford...
Annie.. who's a Fashionable Chicago-an now.. with a job she loves and an awesome apartment.
HuiHui.. who's on a drive to her new life at Syracuse University at this very moment. I'm proud of you for actually being able to leave that burden and the shower caddy behind... It took awhile, but YOU DID IT!
Jingyi, who settled in and is a busy bee with her new major and new friends in University of Rochester..
Joliana... it's your last year hun! You have done amazing things, and still are doing amazing things. You're my inspiration. 

Classes start on Monday!!!!

A letter to a friend....

Sometimes I wonder if people are actually reading what I am putting out here. Then I wonder what people think after reading my crazy rants. Then I think to myself, why does it matter whether people read what I write. At least then, I can write what I want, how I want it, any way I want. I write to release my pent up emotions that are just too difficult to explain with spoken words. I write to voice up crazy petty frustrations that you can't express when at the 'scene' because it wouldn't be too sane to do so. I write to remind me of the blessings and joys I have in life, and the happy moments that I stumble upon. I write to reflect on myself, my relationships, my successes and failures and my challenges. I also write to tell others things that I just find it difficult to explain on the phone or in person. Hence, this letter.

Dear you,

I think when you read this, you'll know who you are. I know this time it's difficult to leave the place where a thousand or more happy memories were formed, where romance for you blossomed without you looking for it, where challenges were met head on and conquered, where tears were shed due to goodbyes.. the place that shaped and molded you to the person you are today: a confident, no-longer-afraid-to-speak-up, passionate and soft-hearted woman. 
But all good things must come to an end. If not, they wouldn't stay as "good things". It's time for us, for you, to start anew. It has been challenging for me, and every day is a new hill for me to climb, and so it will be for you. You may look back with longing, but you also have to always look ahead with passion to conquer, and passion to succeed.
Lately, you have been pessimistic, afraid, and scared. I understand. Let those emotions take the back seat, and invite optimism, excitement and curiosity for the new okay? I know it's easier said than done. But you have to. You just have to. You're driving the car. So you choose who to ride shotgun.

Like I always say... it's time to move on, and start a new chapter. We've done it before, together... now it's time for us to do it again, not necessarily alone. This is why we're in a family phone plan. It's so we can draw support from each other, and accompany each other on lost walks along the busy highway. 

Sincerely,

Me.

Then...

 Now...

I know we can do this! :)

Learn something new everyday..

That's how it has been for me every single day since I've been here in Lafayette, Indiana.

By having to do everything on my own, and not being able to rely on anyone at all anymore.. it has been a little challenging. Sometimes just to get the strength to do it all on my own I have to give a call either to him, or to my other homie girlfriends not necessarily to get a pep talk, but just to listen to their voice. That is how it has been every single day since last Saturday. Every day I learn something new.

Saturday: Walked around my neighbourhood with a map in hand and found the pedestrian bridge to cross the river. I was so proud of myself. Except now I learned that I took the LONG way there, when I could have just taken the short way and it would be like 10 mins from my apt.

Sunday: Too much silence really isn't good for me. I don't think I can ever really get used to living on my own. After a year with BO and Annie... ahhh the silence in my apt is unbearable for me!

Monday: Took the bus for the first time from my apartment.

Tuesday: Figured out my way around campus. Found the bookstore. Made a new friend.

Wednesday: Learned that there are over a hundred Malaysians and numerous Singaporeans studying in Purdue. Walked to campus coz of my early morning confusion about which bus to take (too long a story to tell). Luckily I had Hui on the phone to accompany me on my walk along the highway.. -__- Sat on the bus for an hour just to get back home safely. It sucked, but at least I now know that buses change their numbers when they reach the final destination of the route. Who would have known... sigh.

And tooodaaayy's Thursday.. will let you know what lesson will come my way later..!

Finally. Connected to the world.

I never liked using the internet to check my mail and stuff when I'm back home in Malaysia or after school hours because it always means I have work to do, emails to answer... (it's okay if they're fun emails but if they're regarding something important, it just is a little downer to have to do 'work' after being home from 'work').. but anyway, I can't tell you how happy and glad and ecstatic I am to actually have internet set up in my apartment now. Work or not, I am just glad I can go online again and feel connected to everyone else. It's been difficult not being able to distract myself with going online. Somehow or other, sad as it is, the internet has become a companion to everyone, and to me. Especially now... any companion, world wide web or real person, really is a comfort to me. I sound like some sad recluse unavailable to society in any real tangible way. Really, it's not as bad as I make it sound. Haha.

I'm in Lafayette, Indiana peeps!

I haven't blogged in ages. Will definitely be doing it more often after I get the internet set up in my apartment, hopefully tomorrow. Better be tomorrow! It's been a little too lonesome and disconnected without having the internet since Thursday of last week. It has been 5 days (including today). And without people around me, let's just say it's becoming a little bit unbearable. So movies and my Media player on my laptop have been my company for the past few days. The roommates haven't moved in so is it weird to say that I'm looking forward to meeting my 'random-who-knows-what-kinda-character' roomies when they move in? I realized that I have been so used to living with other people my entire life that it's really very difficult to transition to living by yourself especially in a completely new place!

Am I glad to be here? Hmm, I guess you can say so. After the nightmare that I had experienced in KLIA.. If you didn't already know... I only realized that I had to have a Canadian visa for my flight to the US because my plane from Hongkong to the US was supposed to have a plane change in Canada.. hence a visa was needed. (Goodness knows why because it's not like I'm getting out of the Canadian airport anyway). So yeah. In the end, I decided to wing it, and took my first flight to Hongkong and Cathay Pacific staff worked anxiously to get me on the next flight to the US that does not go through Canada. I guess lady luck, and the higher power was with me the whole way. I am really very thankful. Cathay staff were wonderful. Best airline service I've ever experienced and I am so grateful.
Yeah, I am glad to be here although I really do miss home and Oxford. Not being able to properly say Bye to the parents because of the rush and craziness at the airport made me kinda sad. Also, the anticipation buildup throughout the past few months (that became worse the past few weeks) was almost slightly unbearable. Constantly running through checklists in my brain to see if I missed out on anything important I was supposed to do (I still miss out on stuff even after doing that) and writing down little notes to remind me of the buildings I have to go to and admin stuff to take care of and household items to buy when I get there has been rather tiring. I was lucky I had someone with me: To drive me around (anyone who knows me know that I get nervous driving around the US, whatmore in a foreign city), watch out for me, plan ahead with me, scold me and nag at me to not be mong cha cha and to just plain be around while I familiarize myself with this foreign town and campus. To that, I am truly grateful.

Let me tell you a little more about Lafayette, Indiana (the town I'm at now). Oh ya. Did I mention that I'm going to Purdue University. Which is in West Lafayette (also Indiana). Lafayette and West Lafayette is divided by Wabash River. It's a long ass walk if I did choose to walk. Not really comfortable with doing that as of yet. Usually people take buses to campus. And I did that for the first time today. It wasn't as bad as I expected. But nervous me, waited at the bus stop 15 mins before it was supposed to arrive. And had a $1 bill already in my pocket to shove into the machine once I get on. I had my map with post-its in my bag. And a book in my hand so I won't look so lost. Turned out to be better than I expected. :) Funny how small accomplishments like this ends up feeling like such a huge success when you're in a new place. Hmm.. more about Lafayette. It's a little creepy and shady not gonna lie. I don't know if it's because I'm not familiar with everything yet or what. But seems like the towny people are kinda umm.. shady. Damn, I sound racist or something so I'm not gonna go into any more details. Hopefully it'll be better when more students move in around the neighborhood. School only starts next Monday... so we'll see.

I just started my assistantship work training today as an English tutor with the Office of English Proficiency Program (OEPP) department. Seems like it'll be a great experience and I'm looking forward to it. As of right now, my friend count is 2. Yeah. Just 2. Both from my program. One did her undergrad in Purdue and lives in my building. Another is new to Purdue and equally as lost as me, and also with the OEPP. Can't explain the relief that washes over you when you meet someone that feels equally as relieved to find another that seems as lost and confused as you. Another who shares the same anxiety about the process of how the whole system around you works.

As of right now. This is Me. My surroundings. My New life.