Bad day.. Bad day...

Just had one of those days, where everything just seems so overwhelming.. and nothing you planned is going as planned. Ever had one of those days? I hate them.
They make me feel helpless, and lonely... and helpless... and lonely.

Doesn't help that the bitter cold here is just pure bitter.. and painful. Wind chill was about -17 Celcius today! The 10 minute walk from the downtown bus station to my apartment felt like longer than that. Didn't help that the sidewalks were not salted, and the roads weren't really properly plowed. Oh and on top of that, I forgot my hat! So my ears were hurting, my nose was running, my nose boogers would freeze everytime I took a breath, I couldn't feel my toes and my fingers... and my whole body was aching from shivers and tense-ness due to shivers.

I miss home. I miss Malaysia and its warm weather. I miss tank tops, and flip flops. And the cool breeze of the fan against my skin on hot days. Instead, I have bitter wind numbing my face, and every other part of my body for that matter. Instead of tank tops, I'm wearing 4 layers of clothing everyday, 2 pairs of pants, scarf, hat, gloves... Even with that much on.. I am still freezing. I'm freezing even in my apartment, sitting on my bed. My ice-cold feet are difficult to warm up and it makes me feel uncomfortable!

I'm all cranky and complain-ey. Probably from waking up at 6.30am this morning to sit for an exam. Okay gotta stop whining and study Neuro. Whoopee..

 

Panic: Me on Thursday and Friday.

Food: Me this past weekend. 

Anger: Today. 

Denial: After 3pm tomorrow...

This Cracked Me UP!

Coz I didn't understand it at first. I thought it was about qualities that make up a Bad Romance... But no no, I was wrong. Then I laughed.

Oh googlygooeys.com, really good distraction from homework!

True Horoscope?

Ever read you own horoscope in the newspaper that actually has a lot of relevance to you. So much relevance that those few simple lines of 'advice' actually seems worth following to you? That happened to me on Thursday. It was kinda freaky when I read it:

"Understand that by pulling back, you'll have greater give and take. You discover how good you can feel by not acting out."

I followed the advice. And yes, it was right! I guess my random reading of my horoscope every now and then actually kinda pays off huh? :)

My supposed last session with my last student of the week did not happen on Friday. I can only guess that my student chickened out of meeting me for the last time. Which makes me disappointed that people can be so negative about something that was really positive for them. Sometimes all we care about is the outcome of something, we focus so much on the outcome that we want, that we fail to look at the journey qw went through to get to the final outcome. So what, the outcome wasn't something you wanted. But when you look back at all that you achieved along the way and all the progress that you have made... does it not make it seem worthwhile to you? I guess you can never really change someone's mind once they've made it up with all the determination in the world, refusing to even budge a little bit and try to see the other side of things. 

Feeling of Accomplishment!

Tomorrow I will be having my last tutoring session for the semester. Tomorrow, I would have successfully completed a whole semester of tutoring 7 students for a total of about 16 weeks! When I first started out as a tutor. Everything was a little vague and fuzzy in the beginning, even though I had previous undergrad experience with a Dialect Client. I had all the initial nervousness. Would my advice and teachings as tutor (an International one, who learned American English only 4 years ago) be taken seriously by my students? Would I actually be able to help my students improve their English? Would they actually like me as a tutor? I was nervous about all this, but still I was excited. I loved having a Dialect Client in the past. And I loved being able to relate to my past client about people not understanding me, and me not understanding others. It gives them a little more perspective and it makes me less intimidating.

Now that I am one day away from ending my first semester as a tutor, I can safely say that I survived. And I did manage to help my students. I listen to them talk now, and I know that I did help coax their English in the right direction. And that gives me a feeling of accomplishment. It gives me warm fuzzy feelings inside, that I was actually able to help 7 very amazing, very smart, international students transition in terms of language and culture into the American society.
Someone asked me awhile ago, "Suling, how are you doing in tutoring? Do you think you're actually helping your students? Do you see improvement in them?" My answer: "Umm YES! I do see improvement in them. And although it's not all because of me, I'm sure I did help in some small way! Why?" She answered: "Because I don't know if I'm seeing improvement. They still sound weird. They're still not as fluent! I still don't understand them!" Me: "What are you talking about? Do you really not see improvement at all? You can't say that because I am sure that you understand them better than you did the first time you met them! They have improved, and you have helped them!" *That was just a part of the little rant that I went off on to the person who told me that.*

I am not conceited, nor am I certain that improvements seen in my students can all be credited to me. But I am confident enough in myself and my abilities, to say that I have helped them in some small way in their speaking and understanding of English. I see my students every week, and I witness their weekly achievements - whether it is mastering a sound they've been struggling with daily, learning a new American slang phrase to use with their friends, being able to carry out a successful presentation, learning new vocabulary words... they are all achievements no matter how small. And I am so proud of all of them.

I had a meal with 5 of my students yesterday evening, and it was wonderful. It was my first time seeing most of them together in the same room interacting with each other. I wish it was all 7 of them, but nonetheless... I had a great time with them. It was SO worth skipping class for! :) All things good must come to an end. What matters is that you make the most out of the time you had together.

Zhen, a mother from China who has a young baby back at home (left) and WanJung who's a Fulbright scholar from Taiwan

Alyson (left), the classroom instructor with Fulizi, who translates English books into Chinese during her free time. 

Kiran (left) from Pakistan who's afraid to walk around Purdue at night, and Jing who went to college in Hangzhou, China (my fav city in China) 

And... here's a group picture. :)

I learn new things about you everyday....

With the beginning of my new semester at Purdue, thus the beginning of friendships with new people. People that I wouldn't necessary be friends with under natural circumstances, can now be safely called friends. I can't say that we've become close friends as of yet. But at least more than acquaintances. I have phone numbers of some girls, I'm not afraid to call them when I have questions. I'm comfortable enough with them to ask for rides back home when I think it's not too troubling. We crack jokes and make fun of each other. Occasionally plan dinners with each other, and talk about our other halves.. and marriage plans (well, their marriage plans!). So honestly, it has all been pretty good and growing in the 'friendship' department at Purdue.

Friendships are different now though as a Grad student compared to when I was an Undergrad. Is it because there's still a certain distance between us that hasn't really been bridged? Or is it that we see each other too much during the day for every single class, sometimes before and after class as well... that we just don't really hang out after class all that much. Maybe it's also the factor of increased workload and responsibilities that we all have as Grad students. It's also possibly the fact that I'm a poor grad student trying to spend as little as possible on luxuries that I used to indulge in.. like eating out, and shopping.

The girls (and guy) in my program all have interesting backgrounds, and I learn something new about them everyday. I realized that I haven't really talked all that much about the people that I'm around with now.
Some statistics about us:
* There's about 27 of us or so. All girls, but one guy.
* About only 5-6 people are single.
* 3 are married or at least used to be married.
* 1 is engaged to be married.
* 2 already have kids.
* The rest have been with their other halves for a pretty long time!
* 5 did their undergrad at Purdue.
* 2 Internationals: Me, and Zeina from Lebanon  
* Seems like we're mostly homebodies. Only a handful are party-ers.
* We're known to be Type-A personalities... frustrated while waiting in line, always painfully aware of time, short fused, competitive and (ohmygosh) physical characteristics of facial tension (tight lips, clenched jaw) and teeth grinding.  Can't say I fit all the characteristics, but definitely the clenched jaw and teeth grinding I do.
* Personalities we have: bubbly, over-achiever, perfectionist, infectious-laugh-er, mellow, loud, 21-ers, sorority chick, smart-ass, positive-r, research-er, overall-just-smart-er, mother... Pretty diverse huh?! :)

I can't say that I've made too many Caucasian American friends throughout my Undergrad. Those that I have, are mainly the ones interested in the Asian culture. The ones who take Chinese classes with me. Or the ones that I studied abroad with. The really typical Caucasian American friend.. that I only probably have a handful of. That has all changed with Grad School! It's a good thing though. Although I can't say that I relate to them more than I do with my Asian American/Asian-interested friends... I can still be myself and not feel uncomfortable. And that's the most important part. :)

Just umm... 12 more days...

I can pull through. And sit my butt down to study. I can do that right? I can sit my butt down and study for like 10 days or so... It's not that difficult... Except that *whines* it is just too damn hard! Coz I'm the laziest person in the world. I'm all spent on studying. I can't bring myself to open up my notes and get my brain working. I'm all drained. And being a big fat drama queen.

Instead, I've been watching Christmas movies online. On Hulu.com.
Getting into the Christmas spirit. Especially since it started snowing like crazy today. And I walked outside in it. It reminded me that I really need some Snow Boots.. that are waterproof and warm. :)

Okay. Now really.. I'm going to do some work.

First Snowfall at Lafayette, Indiana!

Yeap, it snowed (and stayed on the ground) for the first time this winter season in Lafayette TODAY! :)
Freezing cold but kinda pretty outside. I always like the first snowfall. And subsequent snowfalls for as long as they don't turn to gray/brown mush on the roads later. I like walking hand in hand, or linking arms with a good friend when snow's falling from on the ground. Gives me a warm feeling on the inside when it's cold outside. I like putting my hands in my friends' pockets just to share some warmth. I like feeling the brief split second coldness when a snowflake falls on my face. I hate the wind though. Hate hate hate the wind. Especially when it's blowing really hard. 

Seems like Lafayette is a lot colder than Oxford, Ohio. A LOT MORE COLDER. I feel like I need warm boots, start wearing leggings under my jeans, and get a jacket with fur lining on the inside. It's also so much colder in my room. Maybe it's because I don't have people to huddle up and cuddle with when I'm cold in my room now. Just myself and my duckie Scrooge, and my laptop. Haha.