Counseling Quotes to live by

I was doing my required reading for the week for Counseling class on Sunday, when I found some very interesting teachings/sayings by David Luterman that I started to really relate to.

Firstly, some guy with the last name Rotter, a long time ago (in 1966 to be more exact) came up with the theory of locus of control. People who have an internal locus of control tend to feel that they have personal power and can control their destiny. People who have external locus of control however feel that they are controlled by others. So for example, "Internals" feel that their lives are controlled by they themselves, whereas "Externals" feel that things just happen as a result of luck or fate. I think I'm leaned more towards the "Internals".. maybe too much? I tend to think of every mistake that I make that of my own doing and no one else. And I blame myself too much, and usually take the entire blame and end up having a conversation with myself in my head about how silly I am to have made such a mistake. I firmly believe that for things to happen, we have to make them happen ourselves. But I also believe that there is a certain part of life that we just can't control, that fate/luck/God just hands to us. But whether it is good or bad, it can only change to be bad or good depending on our own actions.


There's a quote in this chapter that I'm reading.. "The shape of my world is the shape of my language." The way we talk determines the way we are thinking of things. For example, always using the word 'have to' gives out the "Externals" assumption.. that things are not of our control.. that some bigger force made us "have to do" something.. when usually, it's our own choice to do that something. According to Luterman, the word 'but' means underlying ambivalence... so if someone says "I love giving speeches, but I'm afraid of talking in front of people." Can't we give speeches AND be afraid? Why let that 'but' prevent you from doing something you want to do? 

Then Luterman talks about 'Contracting' in relationships. Any relationship. That we should be explicit with our wants and needs, explicit about what we will and won't do in a relationship. By contracting and making sure the other knows our needs and wants, it helps with keeping a relationship and maintaining it. That way both parties know how long the relationship will last, what it will entail and what the purpose of the relationship is. By contracting, we are then getting rid of implicit expectations (which I am famous for). Implicit expectations are unacknowledged assumptions about another's behavior. Implicit expectations lead to failed expectations. Which lead to unexpressed, displaced anger. I learned that it is only fair that the other person knows what you expect of them, so that they can try to fulfill them as best they can, or if not, let you know that they cannot fulfill them. If we can't fulfill a person's expectations, it's only fair to let them know, and to prepare them. Like Luterman said, "We cannot be everything, or more appropriately choose to not be everything to everybody." I need to learn that. I am always trying to fulfill everyone's expectations of me, that I forget that I can say 'No', and that I have expectations to myself that I have to fulfill too!

Finally, Luterman talks about 'Projection' which is the attribution of a person's ideas, feelings, values or attitudes on another person. We often don't realize that we are doing this. I have realized that I do this most on people closest to me, my family members especially. Projections lead to judgmental attitudes, that within family ties are obviously not beneficial. I love this saying by Luterman most of all, and I am going to try to practice this is my life "We must take people as they are, not try to mold them to what we'd like them to be. Whenever we begin thinking someone should do something, we should stop and consider whether we are projecting. We need to abandon our egocentric view of the world and accept people as they are, when we do that, they can grow." Definitely not an Asian philosophy of parenting though I think. This is going to be a definite challenge for me. I'll give myself allowances though, when I know that friends and family members are definitely making wrong choices that will really affect them in the long run, I will let myself say something and then let them make the decision themselves.

This Counseling book is really becoming like a self-help book or something! And I have never really read any self-help books.. just because I don't like the idea of someone I don't know telling me that what I've been doing so far in my life is WRONG (yes, in capital letters) and that I have to start changing my life RIGHT NOW (also, in capital letters). You barely even know me. Disgruntled proud "Hmph" follow-up. This chapter might just be the reason why I keep this book around.