I can't seem to keep my 'hatred' or 'dislike' or 'annoyance' towards people to myself. For some reason, whenever one of those feelings surfaces with a person I'm talking to or that I'm around with, immediately, and really immediately, people (especially those who know me well) are able to read either in my facial expression or my change in tone of voice or my one-word-answers that I'm annoyed.
My friends find it hilarious. And they always feel like laughing whenever they see me unintentionally turn away and make a face or just totally withdraw from the conversation or when I say something spiteful right back at them. The best friends are the ones that can tell just like that *snaps fingers* when I'm annoyed.
I had a study group today. Let me just say that after about 45 minutes into the study session, I had to turn away from the group and face the wall because of my unintentional obvious facial expressions that I would automatically make. Those expressions are my responses to things I find annoying and I can't even control them. They happen before I can stop them from displaying all over my face. Like when someone dominates the entire session and provides answers for every question and even talks over other people to get the point across - it kind of bothers me. Or when someone, out of the blue asks a random question that isn't even related to anything that we're talking about, interrupting the flow of everything. What is up with that? Ugh, and I hate listening to people talk with the word 'like' peppered between every other phrase or sentence. All these little annoying nothings really get on my nerves. So I had to turn away and look at the wall so they don't see the "I'm-so-annoyed-what-the-eff" facial expressions I make.
Maybe that's why I'm clippy and not-personal and judgmental towards my girlfriends' boyfriends when I first meet them. Then once I am able to discern that they're good people, I treat them nicer. Then when the boy does something so stupid and unforgiving in my eyes, I start being all formal and judgmental again when I see them. It's even worse when my girlfriends break up with their boyfriends and if I still see them around, sometimes I don't even give them the benefit of the doubt and don't really acknowledge their presence even though they're right in front of my eyes. I can make it really awkward for them, that I know. But hey, can't help it. You broke my friend's heart. No forgiving for you. Haha. Seriously. Annie once told me that it always seems like I am able to look right through a person and see the true person they are behind all the walls that they put up and it scares people like that. Scares them so much that they feel the obligation to always be on my good books, and always say hi to me when they see me, and always be on their best behavior in front of me. Now, I'm still talking about my girlfriend's boys. :) As for my guy friends' girls.. hmm, haven't met them, and haven't had to do any real judging of character and compatibility for them as of yet!
I should learn to keep my emotions in check. I tend to be like a fuse or something that gradually burns and burns until I burst. It's hard for me to like a person after I've had a bad impression on them. It's difficult for me to forgive friends when they make big big mistakes. I put the people that are important to me up on a pedestal, when they make one wrong move, hurting my feelings, it's difficult to get them back up on that pedestal again. I place high expectations on them and expect them to fulfill them, and when they make one wrong move, things start going downhill between us.
Have to keep those emotions in check huh.
Too extreme already lah, Suling!
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