What I didn't know about me....

Ever since starting grad school, I learned a lot of new things about myself. Qualities and characteristics that I didn't know I had, that really surprised me. Firstly, I really thrive on social interactions! Not having close friends, and people to hang out with over the weekend, really takes a toll on me. I enjoy company, and being alone too much just gets me all depressed and sad. I enjoy having someone to come home to, just to see a friendly face and have a friendly talk after a long day. I really miss the sense of family that I had with my friends in undergrad, and I wonder if I will ever get that feeling again with the friends I'll be making in the future. I really miss going out on a whim with friends, and not really considering work/school the next day. Nowadays, it's always "I can't, I have to wake up early for clinic the next day"... I miss getting tipsy with friends and just having a good laugh at everything.

Another thing I realized, it's hard for me to be myself when I am around my American friends. I just don't know why. I haven't found a single American friend so far in grad school that I've felt comfortable enough to just be myself, to let loose and to be a little crazy. Isn't that just the saddest thing ever? In Counseling class that day, my professor talked about her Chinese friend telling her that she's the first American friend  that really acknowledged the fact that she's not of the same culture, and who is actually willing to learn about the Chinese culture. The friend told her to tell our class that it is important to acknowledge that culture difference, and only then you can move past that culture barrier. Is it because people in my program don't really acknowledge at all the fact that I am not American, and did not grow up in the same culture as them... that makes it hard for me to feel close to them? To a certain extent, that might just be true. I find myself always volunteering information about my culture to them even when they don't ask for it. Is it because I speak so American, that they just overlook the fact that I'm from a different country? Or are they just not interested in acknowledging that I am somewhat different from them? Is that why I have always found it easier to be friends with Americans who have studied abroad in Asian countries, and who are interested in the Asian culture? To a certain extent, these people are already familiar with my culture, and that barrier is already broken down.

One more thing that has only just recently become more and more apparent to me... I am very hard on myself for carelessness and for making silly 'head-not-on-my-shoulders' mistakes. Within the span of just three weeks, I forgot the deadline for a take home exam, left my car key at the restaurant and only realized it long after the restaurant had closed, and tore up my Harry Potter movie tickets by mistake and only realizing the mistake the day before the movie. Being mad at myself really is energy draining. But then I call Dong and tell him how stupid I am, and he always tells me, "You are capable of taking care of yourself so I don't worry about you. People make mistakes, we learn from our mistakes. So don't worry and beat yourself up about it." And somehow that makes me feel better.

Sometimes, contentment is a matter of will. 

You have to look at what you have right in front of you, at what it could be, and stop measuring it against what you've lost.
I know this to be wise and true, just as I know that pretty much no one can do it.

- This is where I leave you by Jonathan Tropper -