What happened to the daredevil in me?

I was thinking back to my Orlando, Florida trip with Joliana and Qw, and all the rollercoasters that I got talked into getting on accompanied by Jo.

 Rollercoaster #1: Harry Potter World's Dragon Challenge - two dragon-rollercoasters challenging each other. Jo and I chose the Chinese Fireball (Jo: "Choose Chinese Fireball la, since we're Chinese!")

 Rollercoaster #2: Incredible Hulk 

 Rollercoaster #3: Rock It! (got to choose our own song to accompany us on the ride.. Mine was "Tha- tha- that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" by Kanye West)

Anyway, I was thinking about these rollercoasters that I got talked into (by myself and by Jo) to get on, and I remembered my childhood and how I used to love rollercoasters. Sure I never really went on the big ones coz I was pretty young when we went to theme parks. But even so, I never felt afraid of going on them. I somehow remember going with my mum on the crazy rides, like the pendulum kinda ride that swings up and goes around kinda like a pendulum. And I used to love them too! I don't remember feeling crazy afraid of them. But somehow along the way, I started developing a fear of rollercoasters, a fear of the feeling like I am not in control... of the speed, and of the unknown twists and turns, and most of all.. a fear of the scared-shitless-feeling of not knowing what was going to happen. I think probably right around that time, I started developing the nervousness in making life decisions. Somehow along the way, I lost the excitement that I used to feel with all the big decisions that I made.

Six years ago, when I read my name in the newspaper saying that I had to attend National Service I was so excited, you cannot imagine. I thought it would be so much fun and would be the best experience ever. I went into it with the most optimistic mindset and was faced with challenges in the beginning but it was that optimism that really carried me through and gave me the best experience I could ever ask for. Then came time for A-levels. I was excited for that too. Goodness only knows why. But everyday was just so exciting in Taylors. Everyday, someone would play a joke on someone else, or we would just laugh ourselves silly at the lecturers. Then came time to move to the US. I was crazy about being in a different country, and living on my own. Scared for sure, but a good kind of scared. The kind of scared that makes you still want to dip your feet in that water even though you know the water might be cold. Then my study abroad in China which sure brought some apprehension, but I was so thrilled to get out of the US and to live in the different country, I felt like I was truly a different person. I wanted to do everything in China, I was the crazy party-er, the tourist, the go-getter, the one people wanted to hang out with. I miss that Me. In a blink of an eye, senior year of college arrived, and I jumped into something that most people say was long time coming. Nervous, yes.. but butterflies were fluttering around in my stomach for most of that year. Needless to say, I'm glad I jumped.

After that, somehow or rather, I lost that go-getter side of me who used to always be excited with change. Up until the end of college, I was so optimistic with all the new chapters that I was going to start. I always wanted to try new things, be different. I wanted to Live. And I did! But now, somehow that drive in me has sorta fizzled. Instead I'm nervous about every decision I make. In the past, I always thought about how I felt at that time, and how it would be good for me at that time. Not having to think about how that decision will affect me in the future made me live for that time. And I truly got the best out of all the decisions I made.

But I realize that now as we're getting older, every decision we make, we think about the future. We always ask ourselves, how will this affect our future? We calculate the steps we might take even though we haven't taken them. There is a bigger impact on all decisions we make. Somehow or rather, I forgot about living for the moment, and I keep thinking of everything that might happen in the future if I make a decision. I forget about how a decision or a choice will impact me now. And because of that, I lost the excitement I used to feel in starting new chapters. Instead, I am always worried about decisions I make, fearing that I will make the wrong ones. I have gone through many sleepless nights thinking and re-thinking about my 'future' and how I have to be practical and think of the 'future'. But what is the 'future' anyway? You can't see it, I can't see it. I can plan it and create steps in my head towards this 'future', but we all know that we can plan and plan, but in the end... plans don't work out.

So I say, it's time to start thinking about Now. I shouldn't waste time calculating my next move, and worry about whether this move I'm making now will help me make my next move, and so on. I am not that kind of person, and I don't think I ever will be. From now on, decisions I make will be because "I want to do it for now" and "Because for now, I need a change". I don't know how this decision will impact my future and it's useless thinking about it. Life surprises you in mysterious ways. Time to bring back the old Me. :) The one who loved the feeling of conquering a rollercoaster. The girl who loved the fast wind in her hair and the thrill of the high speed of life. 

I took the first step of getting the old Me back. I got on a rollercoaster. Actually, got on three of them. Each time, feeling like I was going to pee in my pants in the beginning, screaming my lungs out and holding on to the safety harness so tight until my arms were bruised. But when I finally stepped out of the carriage with wobbly legs, I couldn't stop smiling and I realized I loved every minute of it, and I wanted to go on it again! I was scared shitless in the beginning of the ride, but that scared feeling went away and was taken over by excitement, happiness, butterflies.

I forgot those feelings. 

Now I remember them.